ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
