Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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