i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
