i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
