im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Princesses don't give blow jobs
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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