this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
