Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
