Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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