I think my fart just growled at me.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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