I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
