WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
