Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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