I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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