make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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