I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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