So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
