oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I believe in your delicious
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
