Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
