Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
