A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
