How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
