I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
