I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
