i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
