I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
