it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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