I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize
