my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
