i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
