I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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