Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Someone shattered a urinal.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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