Cold hands, warm shart.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
