At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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