Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
