Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
