So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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