You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
