i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
