how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
