I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
