What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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