i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
