finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
