Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
