I feel like abortions should bother me more
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
