you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
