nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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