Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
