You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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