oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
