you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
