People in love make me want to vomit
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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