At least make sure they are 18
Why
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
